Anatomy of an
Anxiety Attack
Hang on - It’s about to get very "real" all up in this blog.
The following is a true event, which occurred just a couple
of days ago. I’m sharing it with you for
a couple of reasons. First of all, if I’m
going to discuss the realities of perimenopausal symptoms, it’s important that
I share more than mere facts and statistics.
I’m a real woman, with a regular life, trying to navigate this season of
change and it’s important that I’m transparent and real concerning these issues. I also share it with you, my friends, because
I recognize that sometimes it helps you to feel a little less “crazy” if you know you’re
not alone in your experience with hormone imbalance.
2:30 AM – I’m sound asleep.
2:45 AM – I’m awakened by a sudden rush of adrenaline, heart
pounding, shallow, tense breathing, eyes wide-open, wondering where the
emergency is. Strange thing is – there is
no emergency. The house is dark and quiet as it should be
during the wee hours of the morning. But
my mind is a-whirl with thoughts of crisis, the very muscles in my body a-buzz
with frenzy, and I can’t settle down no matter how much I try. Ba-boom, Ba-boom, Ba-boom.
3:00 AM – Still in the throes of too much internal activity,
I debate as to whether or not I should go for a short jog in the cold November
night air to burn off some of this excess energy. It doesn’t seem wise if I plan on getting any
sleep tonight. Ba-boom, Ba-boom,
Ba-boom.
3:15 AM – I sigh loudly.
Loudly enough to get the effect I was hoping for – my husband wakes
up. “What’s wrong?” “I don’t know – I’m so stressed out and I can’t
shut it off.” He prays for me. He talks
to me. He rubs my back. He tells me to breathe through the contraction…er…I
mean the attack. I try. He says, “It’s
not going to kill you.” I say, “How do
you know that for sure?”
3:45 AM – I finally fall asleep.
4:15 AM - I’m awakened by a sudden rush of adrenaline, heart
pounding, shallow tense breathing, eyes wide-open, wondering where the
emergency is. I fall asleep ten minutes
later.
5:00 AM - I’m awakened by a sudden rush of adrenaline, heart
pounding, shallow tense breathing, eyes wide-open, wondering where the
emergency is. I fall asleep ten minutes later.
Repeat x 3 until 8 AM at which time I get up and ready for
my day.
9:30 AM – I’m aware of a sudden rush of adrenaline at my
desk…”NO WAY! What’s wrong with me?”
10:00 AM – “This feels like it’s getting worse, not better.
I can hardly concentrate. My heart
hurts. I think my arm is going numb.” Ba-boom,
Ba-boom, Ba-boom.
10:15 AM – “My mom had a silent heart attack. What if this is one of those. I shouldn’t keep working if this is a heart
attack. Oh that’s nonsense. I’m fine.
But what if…” Ba-boom, Ba-boom, Ba-boom.
10:30 AM – "I can’t take it anymore. I’m driving myself to
the ED." There are no parking spaces at
the ED, so I drive around to the far side of the hospital. It’s cold and blustery out as I make my way
to an unfamiliar side entrance, and casually ask someone, “Can you please
direct me to the Emergency Department?”
I walk down a narrow hallway, following signs to the ED. I felt fine during this journey through the hospital corridors, which you might think
would give me an indication that in fact, I was not actually in cardiac arrest,
but as long as I was here, ya know - I might as well get checked out. It’s amazing how fast the ED receptionist
gets you into a bed when you say the word “heart” and “pressure” in the same
sentence. (Please note: I am not recommending that you feign a heart
attack at the ED desk when you really want your sprained ankle looked at.)
10:45 AM – At the ED and in a puddle of tears and a flurry
of fears, I am given an array of tests to check on the condition of my fifty year old ticker.
Eventually my heart is given a clean bill of health and I am
given a little white pill. (Dear God, thank you for the little white pill.)
The diagnosis: Adjusting hormones causing a surge of
adrenaline, which then gave me symptoms of stress, which then actually created
REAL stress, which then caused an increase in adrenaline...and on it goes…the
perfect storm - Ba-boom, Ba-boom, Ba-boom.
Oh my adjusting hormones, are we ever going to get along?
I recognize this is an extreme example of hormones run
a-muck, and not every middle-aged woman will experience this sort of event, but
I’m also aware that a few of us do. For
those few, let me say, it’s going to be ok.
You’re not going crazy. It’s a
challenge to find peace of mind and rational thought in the midst of intense internal
symptoms of stress, but it is possible. At
times, medication might actually be helpful as you try to get on top of the
crashing waves and it’s my belief that there is no shame in that. I also believe that raging anxious episodes
(whether brought on by hormones or not), can be fertile ground for personal transformation,
if you find grace to press past the symptoms, and into the arms of the One who
made you, and loves you best. In the
hurricane of emotion, push aside the distraction and lean in to hear the still
small voice of Love. Redemption and
revelation often come amidst the storm.
I have asked others and have been asked one prevailing question: How LONG will these symptoms last? I've only ever given and received one answer: "I don't know." Lame. No comfort in that response, I know. But this I do know, it won't last forever and as long as there is a God in heaven, there will always be grace available to meet this day's challenges, no matter what they are.
As I wrote this blog, I happened to be listening to a song
entitled “In Christ Alone”. The last
verse seemed particularly appropriate and a good reminder to me that no matter
what happens in life, even the assault of a full-on anxiety attack, when I feel
I’m losing my grip, I am absolutely and forever held secure. If Jesus commands your destiny, then you too
have that kind of absolute security.
No guilt in
life, no fear in death
This is the
power of Christ in meFrom life’s first cry, to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny!
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand!
I pray PEACE
to your storms, friends – and grace to ride whatever waves might be rolling
over your lives today.
