Anatomy of an
Anxiety Attack
Hang on - It’s about to get very "real" all up in this blog.
The following is a true event, which occurred just a couple
of days ago. I’m sharing it with you for
a couple of reasons. First of all, if I’m
going to discuss the realities of perimenopausal symptoms, it’s important that
I share more than mere facts and statistics.
I’m a real woman, with a regular life, trying to navigate this season of
change and it’s important that I’m transparent and real concerning these issues. I also share it with you, my friends, because
I recognize that sometimes it helps you to feel a little less “crazy” if you know you’re
not alone in your experience with hormone imbalance.
2:30 AM – I’m sound asleep.
2:45 AM – I’m awakened by a sudden rush of adrenaline, heart
pounding, shallow, tense breathing, eyes wide-open, wondering where the
emergency is. Strange thing is – there is
no emergency. The house is dark and quiet as it should be
during the wee hours of the morning. But
my mind is a-whirl with thoughts of crisis, the very muscles in my body a-buzz
with frenzy, and I can’t settle down no matter how much I try. Ba-boom, Ba-boom, Ba-boom.
3:00 AM – Still in the throes of too much internal activity,
I debate as to whether or not I should go for a short jog in the cold November
night air to burn off some of this excess energy. It doesn’t seem wise if I plan on getting any
sleep tonight. Ba-boom, Ba-boom,
Ba-boom.
3:15 AM – I sigh loudly.
Loudly enough to get the effect I was hoping for – my husband wakes
up. “What’s wrong?” “I don’t know – I’m so stressed out and I can’t
shut it off.” He prays for me. He talks
to me. He rubs my back. He tells me to breathe through the contraction…er…I
mean the attack. I try. He says, “It’s
not going to kill you.” I say, “How do
you know that for sure?”
3:45 AM – I finally fall asleep.
4:15 AM - I’m awakened by a sudden rush of adrenaline, heart
pounding, shallow tense breathing, eyes wide-open, wondering where the
emergency is. I fall asleep ten minutes
later.
5:00 AM - I’m awakened by a sudden rush of adrenaline, heart
pounding, shallow tense breathing, eyes wide-open, wondering where the
emergency is. I fall asleep ten minutes later.
Repeat x 3 until 8 AM at which time I get up and ready for
my day.
9:30 AM – I’m aware of a sudden rush of adrenaline at my
desk…”NO WAY! What’s wrong with me?”
10:00 AM – “This feels like it’s getting worse, not better.
I can hardly concentrate. My heart
hurts. I think my arm is going numb.” Ba-boom,
Ba-boom, Ba-boom.
10:15 AM – “My mom had a silent heart attack. What if this is one of those. I shouldn’t keep working if this is a heart
attack. Oh that’s nonsense. I’m fine.
But what if…” Ba-boom, Ba-boom, Ba-boom.
10:30 AM – "I can’t take it anymore. I’m driving myself to
the ED." There are no parking spaces at
the ED, so I drive around to the far side of the hospital. It’s cold and blustery out as I make my way
to an unfamiliar side entrance, and casually ask someone, “Can you please
direct me to the Emergency Department?”
I walk down a narrow hallway, following signs to the ED. I felt fine during this journey through the hospital corridors, which you might think
would give me an indication that in fact, I was not actually in cardiac arrest,
but as long as I was here, ya know - I might as well get checked out. It’s amazing how fast the ED receptionist
gets you into a bed when you say the word “heart” and “pressure” in the same
sentence. (Please note: I am not recommending that you feign a heart
attack at the ED desk when you really want your sprained ankle looked at.)
10:45 AM – At the ED and in a puddle of tears and a flurry
of fears, I am given an array of tests to check on the condition of my fifty year old ticker.
Eventually my heart is given a clean bill of health and I am
given a little white pill. (Dear God, thank you for the little white pill.)
The diagnosis: Adjusting hormones causing a surge of
adrenaline, which then gave me symptoms of stress, which then actually created
REAL stress, which then caused an increase in adrenaline...and on it goes…the
perfect storm - Ba-boom, Ba-boom, Ba-boom.
Oh my adjusting hormones, are we ever going to get along?
I recognize this is an extreme example of hormones run
a-muck, and not every middle-aged woman will experience this sort of event, but
I’m also aware that a few of us do. For
those few, let me say, it’s going to be ok.
You’re not going crazy. It’s a
challenge to find peace of mind and rational thought in the midst of intense internal
symptoms of stress, but it is possible. At
times, medication might actually be helpful as you try to get on top of the
crashing waves and it’s my belief that there is no shame in that. I also believe that raging anxious episodes
(whether brought on by hormones or not), can be fertile ground for personal transformation,
if you find grace to press past the symptoms, and into the arms of the One who
made you, and loves you best. In the
hurricane of emotion, push aside the distraction and lean in to hear the still
small voice of Love. Redemption and
revelation often come amidst the storm.
I have asked others and have been asked one prevailing question: How LONG will these symptoms last? I've only ever given and received one answer: "I don't know." Lame. No comfort in that response, I know. But this I do know, it won't last forever and as long as there is a God in heaven, there will always be grace available to meet this day's challenges, no matter what they are.
As I wrote this blog, I happened to be listening to a song
entitled “In Christ Alone”. The last
verse seemed particularly appropriate and a good reminder to me that no matter
what happens in life, even the assault of a full-on anxiety attack, when I feel
I’m losing my grip, I am absolutely and forever held secure. If Jesus commands your destiny, then you too
have that kind of absolute security.
No guilt in
life, no fear in death
This is the
power of Christ in meFrom life’s first cry, to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny!
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand!
I pray PEACE
to your storms, friends – and grace to ride whatever waves might be rolling
over your lives today.
A friend read this blog post, and then sent me this, her experience: In my case, I have experienced odd heart palpitations since approx the age 20, I am now 55.
ReplyDeleteThese uncomfortable flutters that I feel more in my upper tummy appear to come on out of the blue and I can't pin point a trigger, even though I have been told there are many triggers.
Throughout the years as you, on more than one occasion, I too ended up in the ER.
Then following, and there has always been a following, thank goodness, had several tests, through Buffalo cardiologist and my family doctor.
These tests included stress tests, heart echos, and I have also worn a heart monitor on many occasions.
I have been told over and over, year after year, that my palpitations are benign heart palpitations, not to worry and carry on.
That is easy to do, that is, when I am not experiencing palpitations. It is a completely different story when I am going through episodes! Sometimes I can go a year with none, then they start up again out of the blue.
I have been told, palpitations are to be a concern if they come on and don't stop. Yikes! then what I asked? The answer was, there is a medication that can put the palpitations at bay.
My most recent heart tests were just a few weeks ago, for my routine stress test, and echo.
A few palpitations did appear on the stress test, but since I could walk the treadmill for the entity of the test, I passed, and the echo was also normal.
But..... all the knowledge of having been told just a few weeks ago, I have a healthy heart did me "NO" good today on my way to work.
Suddenly, while driving I felt an uncomfortable heavy feeling in my upper stomach, then right after followed by an overactive racing heartbeat.
Oh my gosh, I thought I was going to die, and this time for real!
Now, this racing heart was a bit more drastic then my usual palpitations and felt more like tachycardia.
Even with that said, I still have experienced these types of episodes in my life time, but not recently.
So now, I was driving in a huge state of panic, my thoughts were, "What to do, what to do, pull over, call 911, stop a driver to help me."
I did not want to die, I wanted to see my grandkids, I was not ready to die.
Pounding away, so scared, I headed towards the hospital. I even went through a red light, bad me!
It felt like hours, but only a few minutes, then I was in the hospital parking lot.
I was frazzled, but my heart rate appeared to be back to normal. I still felt a few fluttering feelings in my stomach, so I sat a few minutes, collected my thoughts, then called work to let them know I would not make it in.
I then parked and went in the hospital, just in case the attack started up again.
I appeared ok, so drove home, now just feeling uneasy still having a few odd flutters.
I have been told, that many things can cause such episodes, including stress, caffeine, lack of sleep, not enough fluids, being sick, and yes hormones, even though I went through menopause early at age 45, hormones still can cause heart issues.
I have been sick for two weeks with a severe cough and cold, and last night I did not sleep well so.....who knows?
Now I wonder, did the initial uneasy feeling cause me to have a panic attack, which was the cause extra adrenalin, which caused a panic attack, making my heart race? I wish I knew!
At any rate, I don't like the experience it really scares me, and now I am worried it will happen again.