Several months ago, I began this
blog simply to share with you, my friends, the experience of facing new and
unexpected mid-life challenges. I’ve
always found it personally helpful to mentally process through writing, but I
had also hoped to help alleviate the anxiety others might feel, as they face
their own changes and challenges.
Honestly, I had no idea that normal hormone adjustment could cause such
upheaval in a life. I found myself
trying to acclimate to a whole new world – which is why I chose to call this
blog: “Not in Kansas Any More.”
You may recall that young Dorothy,
of the Wizard of Oz, sustained a knock to the head in the midst of a
twister and lost consciousness. The next
scene finds Dorothy stepping into a whole new mystical world. Dorothy doesn’t know whether to love it or
fear it and with wondering eyes she shares her thoughts with her little dog,
“Toto, we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
(Spoiler alert: Dorothy learns that there is “no place like home” and
eventually regains consciousness surrounded by those who love and know her the
best.) Like Dorothy of Kansas, I felt overwhelmed and lost in the midst of this
new world.
Truth is, I had never been to Kansas
when I began this blog. I find it more
than a little ironic that I have since actually visited the state of Kansas on
three different occasions in the past two months. Weird, huh?
My son-in-law, Zach, is a Captain in
the U.S. Air Force and he and his wife (my daughter, Laura) were recently
stationed in Leavenworth. Their new
home was my touch point in Kansas for each of my three recent visits. I’ve lovingly referred to it since, as my
“home away from home.” As I consider
those visits, I realize now, that although my physical being has been
undergoing uncertain adjustments, there are unchanging truths that consistently
anchor my life to “home”.
FAMILY
I flew into Kansas City on November
16th to begin a wonderful Thanksgiving week with my husband and most
of my children. With the announcement of
two grandbabies on the way, we were exceedingly grateful for our ever growing
family and enjoyed one another’s company more than words can say. I recognize that for many, family time can be
unpleasant and stressful, but my kids will tell you that I’m never more
contented than when I’m surrounded by those I hold most dear. Regardless of the crazy symptoms I may feel
on the inside of my skin, my heart is firmly settled in the gift of such a
loving family. It’s part of what “home”
means to me. It’s my Kansas.
FAITH
My family and I returned to our cold
New York home on the Sunday following Thanksgiving and that night I received a
difficult call from Laura. She was in
the midst of miscarrying their 15 week old son, lovingly referred to as
“Jack-Jack”. Our hearts were grief-stricken
as the hope we had invested into his tiny life was displaced by sorrow. Zach and Laura have a strong and solid faith,
but a loss like this one requires the day-to-day presence of Jesus to walk you
through. Many friends and family
surrounded them with prayers of comfort and peace. Thankfully, Zach was able to take a couple
of days off to grieve with his wife, but he was then called away to another
state for an important week of training.
Although Laura was physically fine, Zach did not want her to be alone
and so it was arranged that I would fly back to Kansas a second time – this
time spending about 10 days with my daughter.
We processed, talked and cried together.
It’s difficult to realize my grandma arms will not hold baby Jack-Jack
in the springtime, but it’s heart-breaking to watch my precious daughter have
to endure such pain and loss. I’m
grateful we have God. We talked together
about the awareness of a supernatural, tangible grace carrying us moment by
moment through those days. We confessed our disappointment, but all the while,
re-declaring unwavering faith in the goodness and love of our Father. It was during those difficult days that I
recall feeling buoyed by the faithfulness of God.
Whether I’m having too many hot
flashes or suffering from desperate bouts of profound sorrow, there is
something truer - deeper still that holds me through every storm – small or
great and that is: the eternal goodness of God.
Let me repeat that: the ETERNAL
GOODNESS OF GOD. (Let that sink in.) My faith is built on this truth and it is
“home” to me.
FIRE
My heart and life’s calling has been
to minister to the brokenhearted through tangible love and truth. A couple of years ago, I became increasingly
interested in ministries associated with the rescue and restoration of young
women caught in human trafficking. (It
is a relatively new focus within the Church even though it’s an ancient
atrocity.) I became aware of a Kansas
City-based ministry called Exodus Cry, which targets the issue of human
trafficking. They hold a conference at
the beginning of each year and I considered attending however, because I
had already been away from home in November and December, as well as the fact
that I was still seeing various physicians to get a handle on managing my
hormonal symptoms, I figured I would not be able to go. The symptoms I had been experiencing were of
such a nature that I felt unsettled much of the time and unfortunately, with so
much distraction, it was hard to feel very passionate about anything at all. To
tell you the truth, I wondered if this current crazy mid-life change would
require an adjustment to any future dreams and desires. Perhaps it was time for me to settle down a
little, take a back seat and live a quieter, more subdued life. Nonetheless, after talking with my husband,
we decided that I should go to the conference and so I made my way back to
Kansas for a third visit.
Imagine if you will, a smoldering
ember with just a hint of orange heat radiating out from it. Suddenly, a focused breeze blows gently over
the ember causing the color and heat to intensify and eventually a flame bursts
forth from within. That’s what the Lord
did inside my heart during my third trip to Kansas. He imparted fresh vision and turned up the
heat of passion and love for the lost and broken. He reminded me that even though changes may
occur inside and all around me, I always have access to His presence, and His
presence is everything to me. God is a
consuming fire. He is glory, and our
passions are ignited when He is near. He
reminded me that He calls me ever forward, never backward and that His fire is
an eternal flame. It’s not time to back
down – it’s time to move forward. I
realized that this resurgence of desire to minister to the brokenhearted was
something that will not go away simply because I'm having a midlife
crisis. This desire was something
divinely planted in my heart a long time ago, well before my 50th
birthday. It’s something that won’t blow
away with the storms of life. And so, in
that way, even this red-hot fire-y passion is “home” to me.
There’s a familiar story in the
Bible where Jesus and his friends were on a boat out on the sea when a raging
storm rose up. The men feared for their
lives but Jesus – well He was sound asleep on a pillow in the boat. How is that possible? How can Jesus be resting comfortably in the
midst of such fury? I believe it’s
because He knew He was abiding in the love of His Father. What a comfort to know that regardless of our
uncertain circumstances and changing situations, even the crazy storms of life,
if we are in God, then we are safe and at home.
Dorothy clicked her heels together
and repeated the phrase “There’s no place like home” and found herself safely
back home in Kansas, even though she had never really left. I went to Kansas and found myself safely
back home in the love of my Father God, even though I had never really left. There really is - no place like home, is there?
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