Anatomy of an Anxiety Attack

Hang on - It’s about to get very "real" all up in this blog.

The following is a true event, which occurred just a couple of days ago.  I’m sharing it with you for a couple of reasons.  First of all, if I’m going to discuss the realities of perimenopausal symptoms, it’s important that I share more than mere facts and statistics.  I’m a real woman, with a regular life, trying to navigate this season of change and it’s important that I’m transparent and real concerning these issues.  I also share it with you, my friends, because I recognize that sometimes it helps you to feel a little less “crazy” if you know you’re not alone in your experience with hormone imbalance.   

2:30 AM – I’m sound asleep.

2:45 AM – I’m awakened by a sudden rush of adrenaline, heart pounding, shallow, tense breathing, eyes wide-open, wondering where the emergency is.  Strange thing is – there is no emergency.   The house is dark and quiet as it should be during the wee hours of the morning.  But my mind is a-whirl with thoughts of crisis, the very muscles in my body a-buzz with frenzy, and I can’t settle down no matter how much I try.  Ba-boom, Ba-boom, Ba-boom.

3:00 AM – Still in the throes of too much internal activity, I debate as to whether or not I should go for a short jog in the cold November night air to burn off some of this excess energy.  It doesn’t seem wise if I plan on getting any sleep tonight.  Ba-boom, Ba-boom, Ba-boom.

3:15 AM – I sigh loudly.  Loudly enough to get the effect I was hoping for – my husband wakes up.  “What’s wrong?”  “I don’t know – I’m so stressed out and I can’t shut it off.”  He prays for me. He talks to me. He rubs my back. He tells me to breathe through the contraction…er…I mean the attack.  I try. He says, “It’s not going to kill you.”  I say, “How do you know that for sure?”

3:45 AM – I finally fall asleep.

4:15 AM - I’m awakened by a sudden rush of adrenaline, heart pounding, shallow tense breathing, eyes wide-open, wondering where the emergency is.  I fall asleep ten minutes later.

5:00 AM - I’m awakened by a sudden rush of adrenaline, heart pounding, shallow tense breathing, eyes wide-open, wondering where the emergency is. I fall asleep ten minutes later.

Repeat x 3 until 8 AM at which time I get up and ready for my day. 

9:30 AM – I’m aware of a sudden rush of adrenaline at my desk…”NO WAY!    What’s wrong with me?”  

10:00 AM – “This feels like it’s getting worse, not better. I can hardly concentrate.  My heart hurts. I think my arm is going numb.”  Ba-boom, Ba-boom, Ba-boom.

10:15 AM – “My mom had a silent heart attack.  What if this is one of those.  I shouldn’t keep working if this is a heart attack.  Oh that’s nonsense. I’m fine. But what if…” Ba-boom, Ba-boom, Ba-boom.

10:30 AM – "I can’t take it anymore. I’m driving myself to the ED."  There are no parking spaces at the ED, so I drive around to the far side of the hospital.  It’s cold and blustery out as I make my way to an unfamiliar side entrance, and casually ask someone, “Can you please direct me to the Emergency Department?”  I walk down a narrow hallway, following signs to the ED.  I felt fine during this journey through the hospital corridors, which you might think would give me an indication that in fact, I was not actually in cardiac arrest, but as long as I was here, ya know - I might as well get checked out.  It’s amazing how fast the ED receptionist gets you into a bed when you say the word “heart” and “pressure” in the same sentence.  (Please note:  I am not recommending that you feign a heart attack at the ED desk when you really want your sprained ankle looked at.)

10:45 AM – At the ED and in a puddle of tears and a flurry of fears, I am given an array of tests to check on the condition of my fifty year old ticker.  

Eventually my heart is given a clean bill of health and I am given a little white pill.  (Dear God, thank you for the little white pill.)

The diagnosis: Adjusting hormones causing a surge of adrenaline, which then gave me symptoms of stress, which then actually created REAL stress, which then caused an increase in adrenaline...and on it goes…the perfect storm - Ba-boom, Ba-boom, Ba-boom.

Oh my adjusting hormones, are we ever going to get along?

I recognize this is an extreme example of hormones run a-muck, and not every middle-aged woman will experience this sort of event, but I’m also aware that a few of us do.  For those few, let me say, it’s going to be ok.  You’re not going crazy.  It’s a challenge to find peace of mind and rational thought in the midst of intense internal symptoms of stress, but it is possible.  At times, medication might actually be helpful as you try to get on top of the crashing waves and it’s my belief that there is no shame in that.   I also believe that raging anxious episodes (whether brought on by hormones or not), can be fertile ground for personal transformation, if you find grace to press past the symptoms, and into the arms of the One who made you, and loves you best.   In the hurricane of emotion, push aside the distraction and lean in to hear the still small voice of Love.  Redemption and revelation often come amidst the storm.

I have asked others and have been asked one prevailing question: How LONG will these symptoms last?  I've only ever given and received one answer: "I don't know."  Lame. No comfort in that response, I know. But this I do know, it won't last forever and as long as there is a God in heaven, there will always be grace available to meet this day's challenges, no matter what they are.

As I wrote this blog, I happened to be listening to a song entitled “In Christ Alone”.  The last verse seemed particularly appropriate and a good reminder to me that no matter what happens in life, even the assault of a full-on anxiety attack, when I feel I’m losing my grip, I am absolutely and forever held secure.  If Jesus commands your destiny, then you too have that kind of absolute security.  

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry, to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny!

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand!

I pray PEACE to your storms, friends – and grace to ride whatever waves might be rolling over your lives today.

 

You’re NOT Going Crazy!

During this season of hormonal changes and physical symptoms, I’ve been able to commiserate with a couple of unlikely young women experiencing adjustments of their own.  My daughter is almost three months pregnant and my daughter-in-law is four and half months along.    It’s interesting to me that we share many similar symptoms:  indigestion, fatigue, nausea, foggy brain, memory lapses, moodiness, and the ever expanding waistline.   The one glaring difference of course, is that my personal journey will not result in a new baby! (And yes – I’m sure.  A negative pregnancy test taken one week ago proves it!)  Part of the personal perks of this season of life includes the blessing of grandchildren; part of the challenge is learning to adjust to the hormonal storms that come and go without warning.

Those of us who have been pregnant and experienced labor and delivery know that every woman’s experience is incredibly different.  I have a friend whose first labor was 36 hours.  Mine was 45 minutes.  (Totally not fair, I know.) Because every woman is different, their experience of perimenopause and menopause will also be different.  Some women begin to experience perimenopausal symptoms in their 30s, some sail right on through the hormonal adjustments of menopause without even breaking a sweat.  (I’m not jealous – Ok, maybe a little bit.)  As soon as I think I’ve experienced every possible symptom known to woman-kind, a new one shows up on the horizon and I’m forced to find new grace to adapt.   I think the hardest part of this whole season is the unpredictability – I don’t like surprises.  Like most women, I prefer a little more control over life.  Some menopausal women report feeling like they’re going crazy and although some of that sense may be directly attributed to the very real hormonal changes occurring internally, I also believe it may be related, quite simply, to that feeling of the loss of control. Let me assure you: You’re NOT going crazy.  Similar to labor and delivery, we’re just going through a natural process of change that is not the end, but actually the threshold of a new life adventure.   Just breathe.

Someone came up with a list of 35 perimenopausal symptoms.   I find it incredibly comforting to know that some new, weird symptom I’m having might be something other sisters have experienced before me, thus making me “normal…ish”.  Knowing that my sore tongue, for instance, might NOT be some exotic incurable disease, but actually be indicative of this lovely change of life helps me breathe a little easier and find some peace to go with the flow.   

About a month ago, my ears suddenly started ringing.  It was loud, obnoxious, unrelenting and rather disconcerting and what’s more – it’s still going on.   I went to the chiropractor to have my neck adjusted, hoping for some relief, but alas, that didn’t do the trick. And then I checked the 35-symptom list.  Guess what is the 35^th symptom?  Yep – that’s right: ear ringing.  Can you believe it?  I have no idea what is the physiologic reason behind the ear ringing but as with many other things happening in life right now, I just chock it up to the same overarching troublemaker: hormones.  (By the way, I experienced ear ringing during the birth of my first child as well.  Hmmm…Interesting.)

So, here’s the list.  Personally, I have experienced as many as 26 of those listed below.  How about you?

1.     Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling

2.     Irregular heart beat

3.     Irritability

4.     Mood swings, sudden tears

5.     Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)

6.     Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles

7.     Loss of libido

8.     Dry vagina

9.     Crashing fatigue

10.  Anxiety, feeling ill at ease

11.  Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom

12.  Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion

13.  Disturbing memory lapses

14.  Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence

15.  Itchy, crawly skin

16.  Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons

17.  Increased tension in muscles

18.  Breast tenderness

19.  Headache change: increase or decrease

20.  Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea

21.  Sudden bouts of bloat

22.  Depression 

23.  Exacerbation of existing conditions

24.  Increase in allergies

25.  Weight gain

26.  Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair

27.  Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance

28.  Changes in body odor

29.  Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head

30.  Tingling in the extremities

31.  Gum problems, increased bleeding

32.  Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor

33.  Osteoporosis (after several years)

34.  Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier

35.  Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, 'whooshing,' buzzing etc.


 

Crashing Fatigue

“Hi. How are you feeling?”

Over the course of the past year, I wonder just how many times I’ve responded to that question with this one word: “Tired.” 

I have friends who will now answer it for me.  “How are you? Wait. I know. You’re tired, right?”  Yawn. “Right.”  

Truth is, “Tired” doesn’t quite cover it, but if I were to respond with the unabridged accurate answer, I might fall asleep mid-sentence.  Plus, it would make me sound whiney and I hate sounding like a whiney 50-year-old.   

“Hi. How are you feeling?”

“I feel like an exhausted zombie with serious jet lag who overdosed on Benadryl.  I’m so overwhelmingly tired, I can’t think or see straight and I am at serious risk of walking into a wall, collapsing into a heap on the floor. (Which may work as a nice place to nap. Don’t tempt me.)”    

“Crashing Fatigue” – that’s the official perimenopausal term for this prevalent symptom of the middle-aged woman.  I find it to be such a satisfying phrase, don’t you?   Crashing Fatigue.  It’s not just tired, or sleepy or even exhausted.  No - I’ve actually crashed.  Run out of gas and collapsed. Get the paddles charged and call “clear” because that’s the only way this girl’s getting revived.   What’s more, this sudden attack of exhaustion can hit at ANY time of the day!  You can be assured however; this symptom will rarely hit you at night time. (That’s when insomnia comes to visit.)

You may assume that your exhaustion is a direct result of the lack of sleep you acquired last night, and whereas, that may play a part in your level of tiredness, there is actually more at work in your body which may be causing you to feel more tired than is reasonable.  Another phrase used for this particular symptom is “Adrenal Fatigue.” Without forcing you to re-live the horrors of Biology class, let me just comment on the basics. Your adrenal glands are two small endocrine organs that sit atop your kidneys and their primary responsibility is to release necessary hormones that help you deal with the stressors of life.  Typically, this works well for most of us, however, during these years of change, estrogen begins to play a huge role on the effectiveness of those adrenal hormones.  It’s almost as if estrogen is busy cancelling out helpful hormones that typically give us energy to do the stuff of life.  Bottom line: Your body feels like its run a marathon just after pushing a piano up hill, when in reality all you did was make a pot of coffee and throw a load of laundry in the washing machine. 

Now, consider how a woman might feel who experiences crashing fatigue, insomnia, hot flashes, mood swings, and internal changes she did not instigate.  I’m thinking she might be a little cranky from time to time.  (I think my husband would concur!)  Some of the suggested treatments for management of hot flashes, may also help with crashing fatigue – particularly those that target estrogen or progesterone levels.   Besides that, here are a few other suggestions:

·         Try to get at least 8 hours of sleep at night

·         Be sure that your night-time environment is conducive to sleep. (dark, quiet, etc.)

·         Deep Massage may help you relax, as well as help balance those helpful adrenal hormones.

·         Eat a HEALTHY diet, including energy-boosting snacks as needed:

Include vitamin C, Bs, and iron (as anemia can cause add to your tiredness)

·         A 20 minute power nap is often all it takes to rev up your engine again, giving you enough energy to keep going.  At least until the next napping opportunity.  

·         Exercise but don’t over exert!

If fatigue feels like it’s dragging on from days into weeks, it may be time to consult with your physician as more may be going on.  Generally speaking however, as with the rest of the perimenopausal symptoms, you will return to some semblance of “normal” once your hormones find balance again.   In the meantime – take time to relax, read a book, take a nap, and don’t worry too much about what’s not getting done.

Rest assured - It’ll all be there when you wake up. 

And now...I'm thinking it's time for a nap.  G'night, Friends!

Hot Mama

Can you guess what is the number one menopausal symptom for North American women?  That’s right – Hot flashes. (Also known as hot flushes, warm flashes, night sweats, slow embers, and infernal internal inferno. Ok, maybe I made that last one up.)  It’s interesting that 80-90% of American women reportedly deal with hot flashes during those middle-age years, while our sisters in India and Asia hardly ever break a sweat.  Another interesting bit of trivia – Did you know that we will observe “World Menopause Day 2012” this coming Thursday?!  A whole day dedicated to menopause.  I don’t know how you plan on celebrating, but as for me, I have a GYN appointment at 1 PM to commemorate this auspicious occasion!  Woo hoo.   

I read a statement made by the president of the International Menopause Society (IMS) that you might find encouraging if you feel like you’re suffering in silence, trying to just grin and bear it: “Too often the distressing symptoms associated with the menopause (yes…”THE” menopause) are not taken seriously enough... A woman can’t just “grin and bear it” – if only it were that simple…For most women there are ways of overcoming these problems, and a woman going through a difficult menopause should make sure that she talks this over with her doctor to find the best solution for her.”  I take comfort in the fact that people understand that these symptoms can be distracting and sometimes disruptive to our lives.  I’m also glad to know that there actually may be appropriate ways to deal with these crazy manifestations! 

So – what is a hot flash any way?  According to the Mayo Clinic, hot flashes are sudden feelings of warmth, which are usually most intense over the face, neck and chest.  Some women appear to blush in their cheeks, and some begin to sweat profusely, or start shaking with chills.  As with many of the peculiarities of the human condition, no one is absolutely sure what happens physiologically inside the woman’s body to produce these waves of heat, however, many agree that it probably has something to do with a shift in estrogen which then interferes with the functioning of the “thermostat”. (the hypothalamus – an area located at the base of your brain.)   Quite often, a woman’s core temperature actually rises by a degree or two during a hot flash.   Hot flashes typically last between 2-4 minutes although some report feeling extra warm for up to a half hour.  (These are called slow embers.)   Many women struggle with them for a couple years prior to menopause and some continue to have warm flashes even well past the onset of menopause.
  

In preparation for the writing of this post, I had two hot flashes today.  I didn’t CHOOSE to have these hot flashes, mind you, but rather they chose me.  As with the insomnia of last week, I am choosing to redeem the event by writing about it and sharing it with you!  

It’s hard to know how to dress for a hot flash day, not that I ever know when they’re going to hit.  I find it especially challenging during autumn, when outside temperatures are so very unpredictable.   These days, I often dress in layers: tank or T-shirt, a blouse over top of that, a sweater on top of that and today – a lovely Italian neck scarf.  On my way to church, I stepped outdoors to temps in the 60s and did pretty well all morning, that is, until I lingered in conversation with a friend after the service concluded.   There she was, sharing with me the details of her life and I’m tracking pretty well until the heat hits me.  Whoosh!  Whoa – I pull off my stylish scarf and grab the back of a chair because although I’m not at all dizzy, I feel a little thrown off by the overwhelming attack of fire that originates from deep within my core and I am completely distracted.   Not wanting to be rude, I politely nod as my friend continues with her story although I confess, I’m only truly hearing about every fifth word.  “…home…car…time…see...” to which I reply with a smile, “Good, good.”  A second later I realize in horror that she was talking about someone involved in a car accident.  Oops – now I’m red in the face for a completely different reason. 

The intensity of this hot flash lasts for no more than 2-4 minutes, but I continue to feel warmish for a while longer before another heat wave hits.  I wish I could just close my eyes and pretend I’m on a summertime beach vacation but it doesn’t work that way.  Hot flashes are stifling, disorienting, overwhelming and terribly unpleasant.  My heart races in response. Ugh. I hop in the car and blast the air conditioner on high – apologies to my son, who has to share my arctic air space for the ride home.  Once home, I race upstairs to get into my summer clothes and relax outside for much of the afternoon, enjoying the refreshing breeze.  Ahhh, to be normal again.  

Dealing with the Hot Flash Intrusion

There is hope!  Although there is no treatment to completely remove the incidence of hot flashes, there are many quality recommendations to help us deal with them.  Below is a list of helpful hints and treatments for your consideration. 

Dress in layers

Avoid heated environments

Avoid stress and promote relaxation (women with anxiety are at significant increased risk of suffering from intense and frequent hot flashes.)

Avoid smoking, caffeine, alcohol, and spicy foods.

Drink iced beverages

Focused deep abdominal breathing for 15 minutes twice a day.

Exercise (this is on every healthy list known to man)

Climb into your chest freezer (this is a joke. Please do NOT climb into your chest freezer no matter how tempted you are!)

Eat a Healthy diet

Air conditioner/fan

Flaxseed (some discrepancy of its effectiveness)

Soy (some discrepancy of its effectiveness)

Vitamin B Complex and Vitamin E

Black Cohosh

Natural Progesterone Cream

Hormone Replacement Therapy (there are some medical risks)

Anti-depressants such as Zoloft (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors)

Gabapentin  (A drug typically used to treat headaches)

If you’re considering trying any of the suggestions on the lower list, you will want to be sure to consult with your physician.  I hope you’re able to find the solutions that work for you.   As always – if you have a secret remedy that has worked for you, by all means, please share your thoughts!  We are in this together and some of your sisters are currently wiping their sweaty brows and fanning there flushed faces, longing for a reprieve.

And now may God Almighty grant you air conditioning in your hour of need. 

Sleepless Beauty

It seems fitting that I would write this post at 2 AM.  I got ready for bed, read for a little while, turned out the light and drifted off to…nope.  Nice try but it’s not happening.    I understand that sleeplessness is one of the most common of all the perimenopausal symptoms and I’m happy to say that, with the exception of tonight, I have generally not had to deal with this one very often.  Nonetheless – here I am – not sleeping.  

It’s maddening when you think about it.  The alarm goes off too early in the morning.  You hit the snooze.  Once. Twice.  Three times.  Pretty soon, you lose count – that’s how you know it’s time to get up.  You race to get ready and get busy about your day.  Not only do you tackle the things you knew were on your agenda, but you are also faced with the challenge of dealing with several non-scheduled “emergencies” as well.  By mid-afternoon you’re exhausted and looking for a cup of coffee but you resist, knowing it will likely keep you awake several hours later.  You plow through the afternoon, barely getting supper together before you crash on the couch for a little down time.  You can hardly keep your eyes open and finally, you drag yourself upstairs to bed and gratefully collapse on your pillow-top mattress.   You turn out the lights, snuggle into your pillow and hmmm…

“Did I turn out the bathroom light? Is the cat out?  I should get some milk tomorrow.  I wonder if the bank will be open.  I think it’s going to be cold out – maybe I should check the weather. Why am I not sleeping?  I thought I was exhausted.  I feel hot. What’s wrong with me?  Maybe I should get up and stop wasting time trying to sleep.  That’s a bad idea.  On the other hand, I could write that blog about sleeplessness…”

Shifting hormones can mess with our sleep patterns, but nothing messes with it more than plain old worry.  Women our age are often carrying a boat-load of concerns.  Many of us have children who are not quite fully adults, but think they are – that alone will keep moms awake for hours!  In addition to that, we may have parents who have health concerns and jobs that keep us busy.  We have friends with difficult struggles, meals that need to be made, bills that need to be paid and our own crazy symptoms to deal with!  That’s a loaded list of things to think on when we’re trying desperately to fall asleep!   Perimenopause plus worry equals sleeplessness.   If we can try to remove the worry part of this equation, we increase our chances of sleeping at night. Sounds simple enough - but - how do we worry less?  Well, I guess we learn to trust more!  Philippians 4:6 & 7 gives us a helpful reminder about how to deal with our tendency towards worry:  “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;  and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”   

Prayer is my go-to when I can’t sleep.   I’m not sure that makes me very spiritual though. After all, let’s be honest, I am using prayer like some sort of divine sleeping aid.  I don’t have to turn the light on, or get out of bed to accomplish this worthy activity.  I can lay right there, lazy as a log, ready in my sleep-position of choice, praying up a quiet storm and all the while prepared to drift off to dream land.   Sometimes it works and sometimes I find myself frustrated and praying an exasperated prayer, “GOD! Please help me go to sleep!  That’s why I came to you in the first place!”   

I have a smart phone that I keep next to my bed as it charges.  Tonight, while I lay there in the dark,  I Googled, “What to do when you can’t sleep.”  I was amused by the findings.  One of the options was to download the app for Jeopardy and work at getting smarter by building my trivia skills.  I was fine with the idea, until I found out that the Jeopardy app is $1.99 to download.  I don’t know about you, but I need to generally steer clear of spending any money at 2 am.  It’s rarely a good decision when you’re tired and menopausal. (This also stands true for QVC watchers.) 

What else can you do while awaiting a visit from Mr. Sandman? (Now that song came out WELL before my time, just to be clear. *See previous post.)   I have friends who tell me that they bake, watch old TV reruns, make crafts, read, organize old photos, iron, make their shopping list, and make vacation plans.  

You know what’s NOT on this list?  Counting sheep.  I’m not sure who came up with the idea that counting sheep was a valid sleep-inducing activity, but I have not found it very effective.  First of all, I have to wake myself up enough to actively imagine these pretend sheep so that I may count them-how’s that helpful?   Then of course, I am struck by the odd sight as I envision these imaginary sheep each able to bound over a small wooden fence with ease and grace.  These must be superhero sheep because I don’t believe (although I am no shepherd) that regular pudgy ones could ever clear more than 3 inches at best.   I’ve also never found sheep to be that orderly, have you?  Whenever I’ve attempted to count them to help me sleep, they start bunching up, trying to all climb the fence at once.  Some even try to crawl under it and several are butting each other out of the way.  Furthermore, their constant pretend baa-ing, which sounds so much like whining, completely distracts me from counting and I give up.  This is not at all restful for me!  I am not a farmer – and I have no interest in counting the heads of non-existent livestock at 2 AM!

As I said at the beginning of this post.  I’m relatively new to the whole world of sleepless nights, so my list of “What to do when you can’t sleep” is not at all exhaustive.  I suppose that I could check Google to get more ideas, but I would honestly love to hear what has worked for you.  So, to my bleary-eyed, night owl friends, tell me would you: what do YOU do in the wee hours of the night when sleep is not an option?   (And you lose points if you say, “Worry”.  But I’ll give you bonus points if you say, “Benadryl”). 

Ok – time for another attempt at sleep!

Ch-Ch-Changes

(For those who may not know, the title of this post is in reference to a popular David Bowie song released in 1971, which just verifies the fact that, ouch, I’m getting old.)

Back in the olden days, people used to refer to this middle-aged season of a woman’s life as “The Change.”    In those days, we tried to find acceptable code words for the awkward female moments of life.   Even with a code word like “friend” we would still blush and giggle.  Puberty was known as the “tender years of adolescence”, instead of “pregnant”, a woman was “expecting” and the “post partum period” was known as the “time of confinement”.   Having experienced just a taste of this menopausal phase of life, can I say that calling it “The Change” is the biggest understatement ever?  That’s like calling childbirth a bit of a challenge!   

Change is relative. It can be as simple as using a different brand of shampoo or as drastic as moving your family across the country. Sometimes we are motivated to change and welcome it gladly when the pressures of current, unpleasant circumstances cause us to try something different. But quite often, we don’t instigate change in our lives.  We prefer our now.   But change, like a bolt of lightning crashes in upon us, and we are often left reeling from the attack on our normal.    

According to the dictionary, “change is to become different or undergo alteration. To undergo transformation or transition. To go from one phase to another, as the moon or the seasons.”   Sounds so gentle and serene…ha.

Change is a natural part of life. We can anticipate it, but rarely are we adequately prepared for it.  I believe that generally speaking, women have a harder time adjusting to change than men.  I think that’s because we are wired towards creating a nurturing nest of comfort and care – we like our safe home-base. We’ve worked hard to create it and we resist anyone or anything messing with it. I am one of those moms who has a rather difficult time letting my children move on to the next phase of their lives.  I know that the change is good for them and that it’s all a part of the process of life, but everything inside of me wants just a few more moments of what was. (Can I get an “Amen”?) Finding a new normal, is not easy for anyone to do, least of all, those of us “set in our ways”.  It takes a while to release the old and find stability in the new and by the time we finally get there – BAM – it’s time for yet another ch-ch-change! 

Change can be subtle and go almost undetected, or it can burst onto the scene of your life with fanfare and fireworks – that’s how I view menopause.  Through my “extensive studies”, I have discovered that middle aged women may experience up to thirty-five new symptoms related to their shifting hormones.  Thirty-five!   I won’t list them all here but if you’re interested, you can find a complete description of those symptoms here: http://www.project-aware.org/Experience/symptoms.shtml   If we put our heads together, I bet that we could add thirty-five more to the list.  My point is, this particular change of life is so significantly marked by physical and emotional reminders, it’s no wonder we’re overwhelmed.   Thirty five possible adjustments are a lot to navigate.  I was hoping to cross into my fifties quietly, with grace and decorum but instead I’m dealing with blood, sweat and tears!   (a famous rock band from early 70s.)  As time keeps ticking along, what’s a girl to do?

If I could save time in a bottle...(Croce, ‘73)  Honestly friends, I have no interest in turning back the hands of time and escaping this season.  As I think back to my twenties, I recall the challenges of a new marriage, pregnancy and childbirth and although I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything in the world, going through that season once is plenty for me, thank you very much.  My thirties were a miraculous time of heart transformation, but they held some of the most difficult days of my life and although my forties were relatively easy, I’m not interested in reliving the years I’ve already lived.  You and I were made to move forward, even into the unknown.  We can dig our heels in, and cling to the old but none of our efforts to resist can stop life from marching on.   But friend, I believe we were born to run.  (yes, that ‘s Springsteen)

Perhaps aging gracefully is more about our attitude and perspective and not so much about what it looks or feels like.   We need to remember that change is not evil, it just might be initially uncomfortable.   I firmly believe that we can do this because we were made for it.  I also believe that if we take this journey together, you and me, young and old, encouraging and praying for one another, laughing at the bumps along the way, well, I believe it makes any change in life, a whole lot easier to move through.  So, thanks friends - we need each other! 

Like a bridge over troubled water… just kidding. I won’t go there. 

Moody Blues

Throughout history, women have been known to have distinguishing characteristics that separate her from her male counterpart (and all God’s children said, “Duh”.)   I’d like to discuss one particular attribute that seems especially amplified during certain seasons of a woman’s life and that is her alarming ability to be moody. 

If you were to chart a woman’s moodiness over the course of her life, I believe you would see significant peaks during the three age ranges of 0-2, 11-17, and 45-55.  (I believe I hear male snickering in the background contending that the peak age range is actually 0-100. Boys - be good!)  Please know that I am not basing this on any scientific research – just personal observation.   During the third peak of this feminine trifecta, when hormones take a walk on the wild side, we gals may find ourselves freshly confronted with the challenge of navigating some serious highs and lows. 

It’s important to laugh at ourselves when we overreact - crying one minute because our mailman failed to smile at us, and ranting the next because he forgot to close the mailbox door.  The truth is, many women struggle with more than mere irritability.  I’ve found that generally speaking, if my female friends struggle emotionally, it will either be in the direction of depression or anxiety.   The purpose of this particular blog post is simply to talk about the reality of the “unreasonable” feelings which can seem terribly loud during the perimenopausal phase of life.   Honestly, my hope is that in talking about it, some may find relief in knowing that what your feeling is normal. 

Because of my personality, my tendency is to stress about things, and become anxious inside.  About twenty years ago, because of some difficult circumstances, I went through a significant season of anxious fear marked by daily panic attacks.  During those dark days, I felt like a prisoner inside my own mind and often wondered if I was going crazy.  I’m happy to say that God took me by the hand, led me out of that valley in victory and actually caused me to find a strength and confidence in Him I had never previously known.   I was free of anxiety!   Well…until I turned 50. 

What makes anxiety during perimenopause so frustrating is that we are often unable to connect our reaction to any particular circumstance in life.  Make no mistake, the woman at 50 is typically managing a multitude of stressors in life including aging parents, teenage and young adult children, and she generally has a very busy life.   But didn’t we seem to handle life so much better last year? Now we have anxious feelings and symptoms such as a pounding heart, a rise in blood pressure, shaking, upset stomach and a sense of dread.  Where’d that come from? Part of the reason for this is because of the hormonal fluctuations occurring inside of our bodies such as the rise in Cortisol (the “stress” hormone) which then causes us to feel upset for no apparent reason.  Now please understand that simply because we may have, in part, a biological foundation to our irritability does not in any way give us freedom to sin.   We are however, promised more grace to meet the challenges of those ups and downs. 

I’ve learned that many women honestly feel like they’re going crazy. Some share that they think every physical twinge is potentially terminal.  (Last week, no kidding, I had a white spot on my forearm and I was quickly convinced it was leprosy.  That is, until I washed it off with soap and water!)  Many women have trouble going to sleep, while others have trouble staying asleep because they find it difficult to “turn off” plaguing thoughts.   If this sounds all too familiar, please know that you’re not alone, and what you are feeling isn’t forever.   

There are a few suggested actions that can help you manage those irrational thoughts including:

      1.       Take a deep breath.  Sometimes the irrational feelings are very fleeting – and you simply need a few minutes to get through it.  Blow it off and move on with your day.

     2.       Go for a brisk walk.  

     3.       Prioritize rest in your daily and weekly schedule.

     4.       Eat smart.

     5.       Laugh and talk with friends.

6.     Wash your arms if you have white spots, before condemning yourself to the outer camp.

7.       Massage.  Yes, massage.  I read one research article that stated deep massage can decrease Cortisol in the body by 30% and increase a sense of calm.  I had to try this one out, you know, for the sake of research and I’m here to testify that it works!  

      8.      FINALLY and most importantly – connect with God.   I’m serious.  Take some time to hear what He has to say to you in the midst of this transition of life.   Your whole way of thinking has the potential of being transformed with one word, one encounter, one touch from He who made you and knows what you’re feeling better than anyone else.

Hang in there, friends, and remember: you were created to be a woman of power, of love and of sanity!

“God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”  2 Timothy 1:7

Are you what you eat?

I turned 50 on March 1^st of this year, but I consider June 23^rd, 2012 the moment life turned a corner and I entered "the change".  It was a day like any day.  I simply sat down to eat a piece of pizza and a couple of buffalo wings when all of a sudden – “Ow!”  My pizza bit me back.   My mouth was on fire and my tongue felt scorched.  I stopped eating the pizza…and the wings.  And that was only the beginning of the elimination of food items from my typical "young" person's diet of deliciousness.   

The burning tongue stayed with me for a couple of more days before I felt it in my throat and then in my stomach.  Eventually it alleviated enough for me to feel safe to eat something more than crackers and drink something more than milk.   But alas, the burning-tongue event returned in one month’s time which prompted me to get to my doctor.  Her response?  GERD.    

Gastro Esophageal Reflux Disease is another way of saying that my stomach acid doesn’t know enough to stay in my stomach any more.  It bounced up my esophagus and zapped my tongue.   I’ve also discovered through extensive “research” (aka googling) that GERD and Menopause are good buddies.  Great.   Some ladies experience acid indigestion or tremendous heart burn, which can also be symptoms of GERD.  My doc directed me to start taking Prilosec OTC and to get an upper GI done to see if my esophagus has undergone any damage.  So this is life at 50?  I have to take a pill every day!?  And of course, there are the suggested dietary changes… 

Good bye pizza. (sniff, sniff) And wings. And (gasp) coffee.  I tried a cup of coffee once since 6/23 and regretted it almost immediately.  Now I drink a lot of water – not for its nutritional benefit, mind you, but because I’m trying to wash away the acid taste in my mouth.   Through a process of trial and error, I’m slowly learning what food items I should stay away from.  

This is what I’ve come up with:

Foods I can eat/drink: Water. Pretzels. Licorice. (I read somewhere that licorice was good for GERD.)

Foods I should not eat/drink: Everything else.  (including pizza, wings, sausage, bacon, greasy foods, spicy foods, carbohydrates, fruits high in acid, French fries, anything off the McDonald’s menu,  and chocolate!)

I wonder if I would have chosen my meal options more carefully on the evening of June 22^nd, had I known it would be my last “normal” meal. Hmmm…maybe a Whopper with cheese, extra large fries and a Coke?    I suppose I could look at it from a positive perspective.  I hear that things like soft drinks, coffee, and french fries weren’t good for me any way.  Maybe there’s some Master Plan behind this whole thing – a sneaky way to get me to eat and drink healthier.  HEY!  

One other thing I noticed about meals is that because I’m so tentatively trying to figure out what will work or not work – I eat slower, fill up faster and consequently eat about half of the portions I used to.  Sounds like another positive effect I suppose – except for the fact that in the midst of all this transition, my body has decided I need half as many calories simply to maintain my current weight.  What?  How’s that fair?  If I’m going to eat less, then I should be losing poundage!  But that’s the thing about this stage of life my friends, or so I’ve heard.   The weight around my midriff has squatter’s rights.  It has been grandfathered in and won’t be evicted without a serious fight. (aka – serious exercise. ack.) 

So, here we are.  In this season of menopausal transition, change is inevitable.  We can try to resist that change and grow bitter and frustrated, or we can lift our collective glasses of skim milk and say, “To Life!”   Let’s do this.

   

(And pass the Tums.)

Not in Kansas

“I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”   That’s what Dorothy said to her little dog, Toto, when she woke up lost in a whole new world of colorful munchkins.   If I had a little dog, that’s what I’d be saying to him too.   

I’ve never really dreaded turning the corner of any of the major birthday decades.  Turning the “Big 3-0” felt pretty much like turning the big “2-9”, as did turning forty.  No big deal.  I assumed that turning fifty would come and go without much more than an invitation to join AARP and a free Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast coupon.   I took it in stride, assuming that aging was largely mind over matter.   Well, I’m here to say that turning fifty has been more like losing my mind and increasing my matter.   I just didn’t see it coming and clicking my heels like Dorothy did in the Wizard of Oz will not get me out of this – I’ve tried that already.

You know how your car can run great, until the moment it hits 100,000 miles?  I’ve decided that 50-woman years is equal to 100,000 car miles.  Just like a woman at fifty, a car crossing into the 6 digit mile marker is precisely the moment when the sputtering sounds begin,  a few screws come loose, the back wheel starts rattling and the engine overheats.  

When I was a teenager, I went to health class to learn about what to expect during adolescence.  When I was a young woman, I went to childbirth classes to learn about what to expect during pregnancy and labor.  I think I missed the course on how to navigate this part of womanhood.   So, I do what we all do, when we feel in the dark on a subject – I Google.  And I Google a lot.

I’ve discovered there is a condition known as “Perimenopause” and it is awaiting just about every woman heading in the direction of fifty.  It’s a fancy term used to refer to the years of mid-life transition. It’s sometimes marked by the PMS and cramps reminiscent of your teen years, while at the same time giving you a preliminary peak into world of sweaty hot flashes.   Sounds like fun, eh?  Well, there are plenty more surprises awaiting those transitioning years and that is what I’m hoping to discuss in this blog.   

I’d like to make this disclaimer before going any further:   This is written as I personally journey through an unfamiliar season of life, and not from a perspective of having “been there, done that.”    My hope is simply to offer up a few thoughts in “real time” in order that you, my sister, my friend, might find a little hopeful joy in your own journey – regardless of your age.   Please bear in mind that every woman is different, and she will  experience her own set of  symptoms.  Some women hardly notice any change as they sail through their transition, while others believe they’re losing their mind.   We’re all unique, but this truth remains:  there is GRACE available for whatever it is that YOU face today.   And if you’ve already come through the rocky transition into menopause and beyond, please feel free to share your thoughts.  Your younger sisters need you!

In closing, here’s a bit of encouragement that a girlfriend shared with me this past week regarding the many and varied hormonal symptoms I’ve wrestled with recently:  “This too shall pass.  Your body will acclimate to the new normal…eventually.”

There's no place like home "the new normal".